Why, oh why, am I doing this?

Recently, my aunt gave me a picture she found from about 12 years go (see below). I was horrified! It was when I was at my heaviest, exhausted, no self-confidence, on anti-depressants and absolutely self-loathing. That picture is a reminder of the place I never want to be again. Some of the details I will share in this blog will probably be embarrassing, but I will be 100% honest. This isn't about weight loss, its about taking care of yourself so you can live a long, healthy life. 

For most of my life I've been trying to lose weight. Isn't that sad? How much time and effort have I put into dieting and for what? I can assure you it was all about vanity and nothing to do with health. It all started when I was 10. Faithful calorie counting, measuring portions, memorizing nutrition information, consistent exercise regimens....no wonder I was exhausted! When I was at my skinniest, I missed out on more important things because of the time I devoted to exercising. And pardon my language, but I was an absolute bitch to my family. Was it worth it? Not a chance. 

I've been down to size 4 and up to size 22, but normally hover around a size 10. Over the years I have constantly beat myself up for not exercising hard or long enough, not being thin enough, not eating enough healthy foods, not having enough willpower. Enough already! About a year ago I decided that I was tired of hating my body. I don't know why, I was just driving listening to the radio and suddenly it hit me. Hit me hard! I was a little teary and felt like I was begging myself for forgiveness. Do I have flab, rolls and dimples? Yes. So what? I also have muscles from all my diligent exercise (and carrying around two kids). I will never look like a Victoria's Secret model, but the Victoria's Secret models don't really look like that either so I'm in good company. I have even come to accept (dare I say like?) my butt. Its not small and I'm ok with that. Acceptance is coming slower for my tummy and thighs. 

One of the most important aspects of wellness is to figure out what works for you! Only you know what makes you feel your best. Consider it a grand science experiment. You're not exactly like anyone else so stop comparing and start appreciating. Sure, its hard. I'm just getting started, but I'm determined and I want to help other people, too. It breaks my heart to think of anyone abusing themselves the way I have- binge eating, excessive exercise, stimulants and self-disgust. Skinny or fat, men or women, anyone and everyone's bodies deserve to be treated with respect and care.

Its time to start celebrating healthy choices and stop striving for perfection. Letting go of all that baggage can only allow you to move on to bigger and better things. I'm going to and I hope you will, too.  

I am very motivated by goals and I have been very lax with exercising since September. So, to get me back in the habit I've decided to participate in a few 5k's. I will be using Couch 2 5K to ease into a training program and gradually build my stamina.

What's your next get healthier goal?

Me in May 2001 (blue and white stripes, of course)

Disclaimer: To me healthy choices include- eating "whole" foods, getting adequate sleep, managing anger and stress levels, exercise, etc. It does not include weight loss from starvation, drugs or purging after eating. Additionally, you should consult your physician before beginning any new diet or exercise program.